Do you still miss your dad after 6 years?

Yup. In fact, I wrote this post late one night at the beginning of December 2020…

I miss my dad. I feel like he’s slipping away from me. Like in a dream, when you’re running and the ground is a treadmill and you’re not getting closer but actually farther away from the thing you want. Dad’s face isn’t as clear in my mind anymore. I’m losing his voice in my head…the sound of it anyway. And thinking about the holidays coming up, I say I miss him, I feel like I miss him…but I can hardly picture him. And THAT makes me sad. I miss the life we used to have. The security of knowing my parents were there for me. Both of them. I miss feeling less responsible for Mom. Maybe that’s selfish, but there it is. I miss our beautiful home. I used to go there when I missed Dad and feel like the house was a warm hug from him. But now that’s gone too. I feel so alone. This year is especially hard in that COVID has shut everything down. I don’t feel like it’s even responsible to go home as often as I want, even if it’s to a place that isn’t REALLY my home anymore but just Mom’s house. I’d almost rather go to my aunt and uncles’ houses. At least there I can remember good times with Dad. Our whole family together and having fun and playing games and opening presents. Feels more like home than where Mom lives now. Because Dad has never been to the new place. This sucks so much. I was hoping this wouldn’t start until closer to the Accident Date. But alas, here I am. It’s a Saturday and I’m bawling my eyes out typing this. And I’ve got like, a week and a half to go. And then another week. And then Christmas. Six years. So much has changed but the feelings remain. Scared out of my mind that we’d lose him. Immeasurably sad that things changed SO fast in such a short amount of time. Angry that it happened at all. Angry that the Fiancé didn’t have more time to get to know Dad. Angry that our honeymoon period of dating came to such a screeching halt. Sad for Brother who was even younger than me, not even 30 and already lost his dad.

What do you think?

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